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Thanksgiving 2011 has come and gone, yet the pains of the day still remain.  I planned for that day in advance had most of the kinks worked out and failed to remember to expect the unexpected.  In my family you should always prepare yourself for the unexpected as without a doubt it always occurs.  Even though I make more than enough food for when extra people show up, I get secretly upset when they do.

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A weird thing happened at a dinner a few days ago. We were eating cake and a gentleman at the table choked on the cake and had a huge coughing fit. Seriously, it was like he was trying to cough his lungs out of his nose.
All of a sudden, he got very, very generous and decided he was going to give his cake and frosting to my two dogs who were eyeing him enviously from underneath the table. I was struck by his sudden generosity, because he hadn’t been giving the dogs anything to eat before, but now all the sudden he couldn’t wait to feed them that cake.
When we examined his portion we found the reason for his sudden generosity, during his coughing fit he had puked a little bit on plate, and was trying to hide it by feeding it to my dogs.
Suffice to say, I was immediately grossed out. I mean, I know that dogs eat their own vomit and in fact, will sometimes growl at you if you attempt to clean up their vomit before they’re done eating it, but isn’t that what separates us from animals? The fact that we know human beings should not eat their own vomit or any other creature’s vomit?
The gentleman in question argued his point that the dog would not know it was vomit; that it was still chocolate frosting –it had only been in his stomach for a mere few seconds- and over 95% of the frosting was vomit free- so in fact, it was a tasty treat for the dogs.
Now, I love me some chocolate frosting and this was homemade Hershey’s chocolate frosting here! Amazing chocolate buttercream like God intended. And I’m not a waster either- I would firmly apply the 5 second rule to a slice of this cake that had fallen on my floor because seriously, it was that good. But I do draw the line at vomit (and also fecal matter but we’re not talking about that here.)
So what ensued at the table was a five-minute conversation on when and where it was acceptable to feed a dog vomit. Is acceptable to feed them their own vomit and is it is acceptable to feed them your vomit, if you know that they will consider your vomit a tasty treat.
Also, is there an acceptable percentage of vomit- to- frosting ratio that we should look at? Like is 5% vomit to 95% frosting okay, but when you get down to a 50-50% is that dog abuse? Or is it just abusive to feed any living creature your vomit even if you know that they would eat it, smack their lips and ask for more?

Of course, my reaction to the whole situation is that it’s unacceptable to feed a dog vomit no matter how much that dog wants that vomit, and no matter how chocolaty and tasty it is. But clearly, people do have opinions on this subject ranging from- vomit is okay to give to dogs, to a strict no-vomit policy. So I have to ask, Dear Reader, where do you fall in your vomit policy?

Theresa Monique Jefferson

(Credit: AP), (one of 2 women who threw bleach on each other in Walmart)

In a previous blog I suggested shopping there on certain days to avoid the highest percentage of Walmartians and now I’ve come up with a plan to protect you physically and emotionally.

Step 1-the reintroduction of the “fanny pack” (perfect for concealing pepper spray, taser and other necessities)

Step 2-park under a bright light and grab a cart prior to entering as it may also be used as a weapon if need be (plus sometimes they are hard to find in the store on government free paydays)

Step 3-wear sunglasses (to appear unapproachable) and  an ipod/mp3 with earphones (as to not hear screaming children and employees announcing lost companions at front desk)

Step 4-have your list in hand and ready to go.  At no time are you to look around for the list while in the store, that will slow you down and leave you open to communication with others

Step 5-be prepared with exact change at checkout.  There’s no room for failure here.  The ATM/credit card machine could stop working, cashier may need change, cashier may need a check signed by a manager, any of these can happen further keeping you there longer than desired.

Step 6-place bags in cart while cashier is scanning, do not wait for entire order to be scanned before doing so, yet another way to hold you up.

Step 7-listen closely, you’re almost finished, once all bags are in your cart, look down and push forward, bob, weave, swerve and by all means move quickly, do not stop, do not hesitate you must get to your car ASAP.

Step 8-remove 1 earplug in order to hear surrounding sounds, unlock and unload. The downside to this is I do recommend shopping with children 12 and older only (they can help unload quickly and don’t need to be leashed to your cart for their protection).

Try these simple steps for all Walmart excursions for a hopefully easier experience.  This week’s challenge is to try out the steps or shop at Target.

There are always points to ponder when you follow Chase in the city.

Ella

$6 for the pumpkins but the memories are priceless

I’ve always wanted to excel at pumpkin carving, but one too many times of almost cutting off my thumb with a slime-covered paring knife dulled my enthusiasm.

But no more! There are 100s of sites on the internet that boast free patterns and how tos but I went with www.extremepumpkins.com who, for “the price” of your email address will give you a how-to booklet and 48 patterns down-loadable for free!

It turns out that my mistake was using kitchen knives-just don’t do it! When you use the right equipment, the process goes so much easier. We ordered a keyhole saw off of Amazon and a compact jigsaw  And the difference was amazing!

Use the jigsaw for large cuts

The jigsaw is so light that I could cut at any angle and not be tired. The keyhole saw was the real life saver. This saw can punch through the pumkin’s skin and delicately  do all your detail carving. My son loved that it had a comfortable handle for his hand to grip.

Use the keyhole saw for detail work.

Cut the pumpkin tops off, scoop out the seeds and tape the template onto the pumpkin.

Before you start carving, ask yourself-is there any area-that once carved-will cause the rest of the pumpkin to be weak? Look above at the bat signal. The round circle surrounding the Bat Signal should be carved LAST because once its carved, the sawing motion of carving the bat will break off the whole section. And it did. I repaired the section by using bamboo skewers to nail it back together.

The Batsignal By Ryan

Learn from my mistakes people, think before you carve!

Then take a nail and punch holes, outlining your pattern. This is a great time to put on some spooky music for atomosphere. My personal pick? Nox Arcana- a Ravens tale!

After you are finished with the outline, use the jigsaw for large parts that need to be carved away, like Jack Skellington’s eyes and the keyhole knife for details.

What's this?

Having the right tools makes all the difference!

This are first set of pumpkins- stay turned for more amazing work and cool memories!

If you’re used to dashing into Vons, shoving some frozen veggies into your cart and hightailing it home, shopping at a farmers market can be a shocking experience. But, shocking in a good way.

Lancastet BLVD Farmers Market

Life is slower at the stalls, you’ll be offered samples of the fruits and veggies and if you don’t know how to cook a particular item, the vendor can help out with suggestions and recipes. The produce is fresher and you’re not forced to buy varieties that only ship well. This is great news for tomato lovers because some of the tastiest varieties are the easily damaged during shipping to a normal store.

Amazing produce is waiting for you!

Shopping is an experience to be savored at these markets-so slow down, grab your cloth bags and be prepared to talk with the people who actually grew those vegetables or raised that beef.

ANTELOPE VALLEY WINERY-  42041 20th St. W., (Corner of 20th W. and Ave. M,) Lancaster, CA, Saturdays, 9AM-Noon.

This farmers market is set up to make browsing easy, the stalls are placed close together and the vendors are very friendly. You’ll be walking in dirt-it’s a vineyard-so bring comfy shoes. The artisan breads are wonderful and the prices are reasonable for organic foods. The diversity of their vendors makes this a great one-stop market. They have cheese makers, Greek food, fresh made tamales, and they sell grass-fed beef. You can even pick up a bottle of wine to go with your gourmet food!

Strawberries-organic and ripe.

From the Winery’s website-

“The Antelope Valley Winery/Donato Family Vineyard hosts a community Farmer’s Market every Saturday from 9AM-Noon, May through November. We have over 25 local family & organic farmers and Artisan Food Vendors and we have tremendous support from the community in this endeavor to bring a Farmer’s Market to the residents of the Antelope Valley. We are winegrowers developing sustainable grape growing practices and also raise grass fed buffalo for consumption with no hormones and no antibiotics. Our major anchor vendors are Ananda Marga Organic Farms from Lake Hughes, Soledad Goat Cheese from Rosamond, Winner Circle Farms and Holland Ranch Organics from Palmdale, Scattaglia Farms from Littlerock, Tehachapie and Tangleweed Farm from Tehachapi, and Tapia Bros. Farms from the San Fernando Valley.”

BLVD FARMERS MARKET- Thursdays 3-8PM on Lancaster Blvd. between Ehrlich and Date Ave.

This is a new farmers market and it shows. The produce is great and they had more variey in their vegetables than the Winery but some of the ready-made food isn’t worth the price. My son bought a hot dog and the picture was of a plump, bacon-wrapped hotdog but he was handed a withered looking thing with bacon bits on the top. Not worth the $4 I paid for it. I bought roasted corn from the same vendor and honestly? I make better corn at my house when I boil it.

The Greek food vendors have out-of this world hummus at 3 for $10 and that is worth the price. It’s so good you’ll eat the whole container watching TV. Try the basil hummus, it’s fresh and yummy.

The University of Antelope Valley Pastry Chef School has a booth selling breads and cookies. The cookies tasted like ones you get at your high school cafeteria-kind of chemical and it didn’t taste like quality ingredients were used at all. Things like butter, high quality chocolate chips really make a difference. It was great that they gave out samples but I was disappointed in the product.

The BLVD also had some great jewelry stalls, incense stalls and the produce was abundant. They had more prepped foods available-tacos, rice bowls and wraps so it will be a great place to shop and eat after work.

I like the Vineyard Market a little better for the selection of items-wine, cheese, beef and breads. And the bakery at the Vineyard is much better that U of AV. But the BLVD’s Market just started up so I’m sure that we’ll see it evolving.

Overall, it’s exciting that we have access to 2 farmers markets and don’t forget to bring your cloth bags!

castaickayaking.com or (661) 257-4050.

Kayaking on Castaic Lake

If you’re like me, when the temperatures soar to the 100s in the AV, your commitment to being active with your kids dries up faster than spit on the sidewalk. But really, how many times can you play “Super Mario Cart” before you want to yank your hair out?

Enter Castaic Kayaking. Imagine yourself gliding over calm, cool waters, propelled by your paddle strokes and communing with nature that’s not desiccated tumbleweeds.

Castaic Lake is divided into two sections-Upper Lake for motorboats and the Lower Lake for kayaks, canoes and paddleboards. My son and I went to the Lower Lake at Paradise Cove to take kayaking lessons and keep cool.

For $31, I introduced my son to a love of water sports and made myself the coolest Mom ever-a bargain at twice the price!

Castaic Lake charges $11 per car to come in to the recreation area and Castaic Kayaking charges $20 to rent a kayak for an hour. Everything you need to paddle safely is included, life vests, paddle and the friendliest instructors you’ll ever meet.  The kayaks are wide to provide stability and if you’re slightly out of shape- no problem- paddle at your own pace. The instructors keep an eye on you so if you do tip over-unlikely as that it is-they can help you in a flash.

Castaic Kayaking

The pace on the Lower Lake is kick-back and that really helps as you’re trying to learn how to turn your kayak around, or get your paddling pace fine-tuned. There are no crazy jet-skiers threatening to run you over, no water-skiers tipping you over with their wake. The only waves are the ones created by the cool breeze coming off the water-I can see why they call it Paradise Cove.

If kayaking is not your thing, they do offer stand-up paddleboard clinics and rental. Stand-up paddleboarding is all the rage with celebrities, you may have seen pictures of Cameron Diaz standing on top of a surf board and paddling it with a long oar.

“That looks hard to do, I’ll probably fall off,” I said to Ryan, my son.

“No, you’re going to do great.”

“But will I look as hot as Cameron Diaz while doing it?” I asked, but he was already bounding through the water and climbing up on the board. He was a natural.

Ryan paddle boarding

Would my squishy, middle-aged body be up to trying this? Would I humiliate myself even trying?

Well, I tried stand-up paddleboarding and it was AMAZING! It’s easier than it looks to stay on top on the board and it gives you a whole new view of the lake. It’s a great workout for your legs and the coolness factor of casually saying, “Yeah, I paddleboard,” can’t be beat!

Staying on the paddleboard was easy but then I rammed a buoy while talking to one of the instructors. I flew off the back end in a move worthy of Wile E. Coyote and getting back onto the board in deep water is a bit challenging. It requires upper body strength, something I traded in for my big butt around 10 years ago.

Not to worry though, you can paddle your board into the shallows and Jim, the instructor, was right there, asking me, “Are you OK, do you need my help?”

He didn’t even laugh, didn’t even crack a smile and I know that I rocketed off the end of the paddle board like a circus clown shot out of a cannon. He even held my sunglasses for me while I got back on the board.

What most adventure tourists and weekend warriors don’t realize is that your outfitter makes or breaks your adventure. Have a kind, nonjudgmental guide or instructor and even a middle-aged pudgy girl like me can picture she looks like Cameron Diaz gliding across the water. Have a surly guide or one who makes it hard to take chances and you’ve just wasted your money and half a tank of gas.

The good news? The people at Castaic Kayaking genuinely want you to succeed and enjoy yourself on the lake. They were patient with me and Ryan (who talked the instructors’ ears off). I really can’t recommend them more highly.

One of the patient and amazing instructors

Now comes the embarrassment part of my adventure-you knew that was coming, right? I packed my short’s pocket with my cell phone, money and my car keys, which I doubled- wrapped in a Ziploc freezer bag. I figured that the weight of the phone would keep it in my pocket when we tipped over. (Stop saying “idiot”, I can totally hear you.)

Anyway, my phone, keys, money and my favorite lipstick that’s been discontinued by Revlon went straight to the bottom of the lake. Oh, the horror of becoming a cautionary tale!

DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR POCKETS-IT WILL BE LOST IF YOU CAPSIZE! They have bags at Wal-Mart or any camping supply company that you tie to the kayak so nothing will be lost.

After announcing my extreme bone-headedness, Castaic Kayaking sprang into action. All the instructors helped search the spot where I went overboard. They called the lifeguard on duty, Johnny, to come with his swim mask to help in the search.

The amazing, helpful and handsome Johnny!

Fernando mentioned that the lake drops to around 50 feet where I lost my phone but I kept up hope.

Ryan mentioned he couldn’t wait to get home and tell Daddy how badly Mommy screwed up. I privately mulled running away to Alaska to escape the shame.

“I’ve got it. The blue stripe on the Ziploc caught my eye,” Johnny said. Johnny, you may be a lifeguard to some, but to me you’re an angel.

All through the whole ordeal, no one rolled their eyes, said it was “not their responsibility” or made me feel stupid in any way. They were kind and reassuring. It was my son that made me feel like a dork, but I guess that’s his job.

That’s what good outfitters do. Thank you to Castaic Kayaking and Johnny for finding my stuff and thank you to Ziploc for protecting my phone and my keys in 20 feet of lake water-it all still works!

You can find me next Wednesday night going moonlight kayaking on Castaic Lake from 6:30-9 pm. For more information, go to http:/castaickayaking.com or call (661) 257-4050.

Tell them that the woman who dropped her phone at the bottom of the lake sent you, I’m sure they’ll remember me.

I kept hearing the thud of paintballs exploding on the shelter, but if I stood up and ran for it they’d get me for sure. I couldn’t let them win; I had to make my move.  It was them or me-one of us had to go.

I rolled down the hill and crawled on my not-so-flat-belly to the nearest structure. Silence reigned over the field. Fooled into complacency, I stood up.

Whizz, whizz, splat. I felt a slight pain on the side of my head, like someone flicked me with their finger. Yellow paint splattered in my hair and goggles as I raised my marker (the paint gun)-I was out-until the next round. Then vengeance would be mine.

I then walked around unknowingly, for hours, with yellow paint dripping down one side of my head; my son never told me to wipe it off. Thanks, Ryan.

Paintball is exhilarating, great exercise and insanely addicting. It also makes you instantly cool with your kids. My son thanked me about a 1,000 times for taking him and couldn’t wait to tell his friends, ‘My Mom takes me paintballing.’

The guys who run Paintball Wars love the game and it shows. They’ll patiently guide you through the rules, teach you how to load your marker and give you pointers on how to vanquish your paint-spattered foes. They make sure everyone has a fun and safe game.

Paintball Wars is located off of Pearblossom Highway in Palmdale and boasts three playing fields-speedball, the Flats and Kill Hill.  Speedball is a fast-paced game with minimal barriers to hide behind. The Flats has manmade structures in a flat area that makes it easier to maneuver around, while Kill Hill has valleys and elevations that can make for a more challenging game.

The game is played in teams that start out on opposite ends of the field when the referee starts the game. The players fan out, running for cover and trying to shoot the other team. If you’re shot, you raise your hands, walk off the field next to the ref and wait for the other players to pick each other off.

Depending on the number of players, rounds last about 10 minutes. You then have a five minute break to relax and get a drink in the shaded picnic area. You can play as many games as you want. If you’re lucky, one of the staff at Paintball Wars will join you in a game and you can be amazed at their skills. Seriously, I saw the dude once when we started the game and could never track him again, it was like he vanished.

Ladies, there are lots of good-looking guys here every weekend and the rest breaks make it easy to talk with the other players. This could be a single girl’s paradise.

Paintball Wars offers everything you need to play-rental equipment like markers, padded chest protectors, goggles and paintballs. There are lockers, drinks and a port-a-potty available. They’re open Saturday and Sunday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. and have packages that include all your rental equipment and 250 paintballs for $35-it’s a bargain for the amount of fun that you have.

Paintball Wars is on Old Nadeau Rd. in Palmdale and their number is 866-343-4563. Check out their website to see videos of the action or for more info-www.paintballwars.com. Tell Harry (the manager) that the mom with the yellow paint in her hair sent you!

It’s like being James Bond in a mini-van, skulking around the valley and carrying out your mission in stealth and secret. You find the treasure box, initial a logbook and hiding it again for the next person.

Sometimes there are little toys enclosed in the caches for kids to find, you take one of those and leave a toy of your own in place. Many people take pictures of themselves in front of the caches to post online.

Summers's geocache notebook and supplies

Geocaching has been around for 11 years, but with the recent addition of  iPhone and android GPS apps, it’s a hobby that’s exploding in popularity. A recent check of the geocaching.com site showed over 30,000 records of caches in the Antelope Valley, some of which are no longer active.

Laurie Summers discovered geocaching on a website detailing free things to do with kids. A single mother raising her 17-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter, she was looking for a hobby that was cool and cheap. Geocaching fit the bill.

“I looked on the site and was shocked to find that there was a cache just down the street from my home. I turned off the computer and my daughter and I went to find it.”

Summers became so enthralled with the hobby that she created a binder detailing the caches she’s found and later, the caches her family  created together.

Her family creates caches with themes such as pirate’s booty with pirates toys inside or a dog themed one, hidden close to a dog park.

She also does cache runs when she’s doing errands or going to church so it doesn’t waste gas. She uses the GPS unit from her car to guide her.

“It doesn’t have to cost money. It’s exciting and it changes all the time because people are always adding new caches every day.” Summers said.

Although the trinkets in the boxes are usually inexpensive items, she once found a real arrowhead necklace in one of the boxes. Other times she’s found merchant discount cards.

“That’s another thing, you never know what’s going to be in that box! It makes it really interesting.”

Marty uses the name QHCoyote online at geocache.com and he has hidden 82 caches in the AV; of those 25 are what’s called mystery puzzles, you have to solve a riddle or a code to get the correct coordinates.

These puzzles seem to be a favorite amongst long-time cache hunters looking for a challenge. One puzzle combines a cipher with a clue hidden in the picture of a swimming pig. The cipher took me an hour to solve, but the final clue of decoding was in the picture and solving that took me longer. But once you do solve it, get the coordinates and find the cache? You feel like 007.

Marty likes to put travel bug prizes in his caches. These are little pieces of metal like a keychain that have a serial number on the back. You retrieve them from a cache, log onto the site, detailing where you found it and then place it in another person’s cache. Some bugs have traveled around the world. Marty has one traveling in England and one having adventures in Germany.

“In the desert we have huge, open stretches of land that are perfect hiding spots but you can find caches downtown, too. It’s kind of a secret world that we’re a part of and that’s the charm.”

In fact, people who don’t do geocaching are called “Muggles” the term from  “Harry Potter” book series that means non-magic folk. A lot of the notes online say, “had to come back two times, too many muggles around first time.”  The key to being a great hunter is not letting everyone in the vicinity know what you’re doing.

“One way to look innocent is to put a cell phone up to your ear and wander around looking for the cache. People usually ignore you if you’re on a phone.” Marty said.

One way to get caught is to do the “geodance” which is walking around and around in a circle when you reach your coordinates. This is a hobby that calls for discretion.

The caches are graded on the website according to how small they are and how difficult it is to get to the spot. Micro caches can be the size of a hollowed-out bolt that only has a rolled-up piece of paper in it for the log. The caches aren’t immediately obvious-they can be in magnetic boxes painted the same color as the box they’re hanging on or disguised like a reflective strip on a stop sign.

That grey magnetic box holds a tiny cache.That small red reflector box is a cache-clever, huh?

Creators of caches will strive to take you to a place of great beauty, like one of Laurie Summer’s caches. It’s in a field by a hill that has an amazing view of Lancaster below. It’s a photographers dream to find these places.

Some like to position their caches where you can learn a bit of history about the AV,
like an abandoned mental hospital or old schoolhouses. It’s certain that people who follow this hobby see so much more of the Antelope Valley than their “muggle” friends.

If you are interested in geocaching then visit www.geocaching.com for the rules and sites. You can use your car’s GPS, an iPhone app or go old school with handheld GPS unit that’s available for purchase on the site. I used an android GPS app that I downloaded for $9.99 but amazingly Marty’s trusty handheld unit that was eight years old was more accurate. The difference was about 10 feet between the two units.

Free fun with your family or friends-it doesn’t get better than that.